you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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