Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
