The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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