Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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