Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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