theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think a kid would responsible me up
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't turn off my feet"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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