remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
