If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
zippers are such a cool invention
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize