Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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