she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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