Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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