I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
