i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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