I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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