life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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