did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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