I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
