I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
