you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
