I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize