just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
