I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
