My first STD was from a foam party
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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