just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
