I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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