I'm eating all of the evidence.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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