please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
