Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
