Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
from now on my penis is your penis
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
