Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
