i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
