I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I didn't shave. On purpose
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
