I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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