She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
