Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize