rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize