i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
