mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
