I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
