So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
