weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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