Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
