why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
