I want to have your abortion
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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