I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
