Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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