You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
