It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
