Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
