he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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