community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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