Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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