Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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